The Grass Skirt
by Pjazz
Summary: *NEW* Kramer and George start a new religion - the Church of Kramerica. Jerry has underwear trouble with an attractive new tenant. Elaine wears a grass skirt.


The Grass Skirt  
  
A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz  
  
2003  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING. LAUNDRY ROOM.  
  
JERRY IS USING THE DRIER. JUDY ENTERS. SHE'S AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE.   
  
SHE LOOKS A LOT LIKE PHOEBE CATES.  
  
JUDY  
  
Mind if I use the washer?  
  
JERRY  
  
Go right ahead.  
  
JUDY  
  
Thank you.  
  
JERRY  
  
Y'know, if I stare long enough at my washing going round,   
  
I swear I can see Tom Brokaw in there.  
  
JUDY  
  
(LAUGHS) If he starts reading the news, I'm outta here.  
  
JERRY  
  
Jerry Seinfeld. Apartment 5A.  
  
JUDY  
  
Judy Lovitz. Apartment 3b.  
  
JERRY  
  
3b? Mrs Berkowitz's old place? Such a shame what happened to her.  
  
JUDY  
  
Dying peacefully in her sleep at 93? We should all be so lucky.  
  
JERRY  
  
I suppose so.  
  
JUDY  
  
Know what they found in her personal effects? A signed photo of JFK.   
  
'To Maudey, for all your help, love JFK.'  
  
JERRY  
  
'For all your help?' What you suppose that meant?  
  
JUDY  
  
I'm guessing it wasn't for advice on the Cuban Missile Crisis...  
  
JERRY  
  
So you think they...  
  
JUDY  
  
Why not, he did everyone else.  
  
JERRY  
  
Boy, I wish I'd got to know her better.  
  
JUDY  
  
It's not too late, she's still on ice down the city morgue.  
  
JERRY'S DRY CYCLE ENDS. HE POPS THE DOOR.  
  
OUT FALL A LARGE PAIR OF NEWMAN'S UNDERPANTS. JUDY PICKS THEM UP.  
  
JUDY  
  
Wow!  
  
SHE HURRIES OUT.  
  
JERRY  
  
No! No! They're not mine! They're not mine!  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.  
  
JERRY AND ELAINE.  
  
JERRY  
  
We were getting along great. Joking. Flirting. She was smiling.   
  
I was imagining her naked. Things were really clicking.   
  
ELAINE  
  
Uh huh. Was there eye contact?  
  
JERRY  
  
There was eye contact.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Cosmo magazine says eye contact is very important in the first stages of a relationship.   
  
No eye contact - blah! - forget about it.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well if Cosmo magazine says so it must be true.  
  
ELAINE  
  
No eye contact. You're not getting any.  
  
JERRY  
  
That's good to know, Dr Ruth. Could I tell my story now?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Knock yourself out.  
  
JERRY  
  
So I open the drier and Newman's underpants fall out.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What are you doing washing Newman's underpants?  
  
JERRY  
  
Well obviously they got in my laundry by mistake.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What did Judy do?  
  
JERRY  
  
She held them up and said 'wow'.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Wow? Just wow?  
  
JERRY  
  
Just wow. Then she left.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Good wow or a bad wow?  
  
JERRY  
  
Elaine, they were Newman's underpants. What kinda wow do you think?  
  
'Wow, these are sexy.' or Wow, these are the size of Kansas.'  
  
ELAINE  
  
How big are we talking here?  
  
JERRY  
  
Lemme put it this way.   
  
Run 'em up a yacht mast and you'd cross the Pacific in no time flat.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Wow.  
  
JERRY  
  
Exactly.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Did you explain they weren't yours?  
  
JERRY  
  
I didn't get the chance.   
  
But if she thinks they were mine, she's very much mistaken.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I had a similar experience. Doing a dry cycle, I found a pair of my room-mate Tina's crotchless panties in with my stuff.  
  
JERRY  
  
What happened?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Word got out that they were mine,  
  
I ended up with about a dozen guys asking me out on dates. Some of them kinda cute.  
  
JERRY  
  
What happened when they found out you didn't wear crotchless panties?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Who said anything about not wearing them....  
  
JERRY  
  
Wow.  
  
ELAINE SMILES, SHOWING ALL HER TEETH. SHE DOES THAT ODD BOBBING SHOULDER MOTION.  
  
JERRY  
  
What am I going to do about Judy?  
  
ELAINE  
  
If you like her, knock on her door and explain.  
  
JERRY  
  
Or I could invite her to my apartment.   
  
She could find me walking around in my underwear so she'll see the others weren't my size. I'll invite Newman too.   
  
Sort of compare and contrast.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Y'know, Jerome, you've done some stupid things, but this transcends stupidity.   
  
This enters the realm of the imbecile. You're turning into George.  
  
INT. MONK'S.  
  
GEORGE AND KRAMER SIT OPPOSITE EACH OTHER.  
  
KRAMER  
  
George, do you ever feel hollow?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Sometimes. If I haven't eaten for a while.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Spiritually empty. Like a void inside.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I ate a bad clam once. That sure emptied me.  
  
KRAMER  
  
How do you fill this void, George?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Pizza?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Spiritually nourish.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Extra toppings?   
  
KRAMER  
  
Do you believe in a God?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Not so much. The way He's been sticking it to me lately.  
  
KRAMER  
  
George...  
  
GEORGE  
  
All my life I've never got a break. One lousy break. Is that too much to ask?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Why d'you think God believes in punishment, George?  
  
GEORGE  
  
We're sinners?  
  
KRAMER  
  
We're suckers. What's so wrong with sating our desires, our needs, our wants?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I got wants. Not so many needs. But I got a heap of wants.  
  
KRAMER  
  
And what prevents you getting these wants?  
  
GEORGE  
  
The economy?  
  
KRAMER  
  
God.  
  
GEORGE  
  
That guy's really sticking it to me!  
  
KRAMER  
  
How would you like a religion that lets you do what you like. Never punishes you.   
  
You can eat, drink and make merry. Even covet your neighbour's ass. No comebacks.  
  
GEORGE  
  
That would be terrific. But where do I find a religion like that?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Right here, buddy. The Church of Kramerica.  
  
GEORGE  
  
The Church of Kramerica? You've started your own religion?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Bless you, my son.  
  
INT. PETERMAN'S OFFICE.  
  
ELAINE AND PETERMAN.  
  
ELAINE  
  
You wanted to see me, Mr Peterman?  
  
PETERMAN  
  
Yes, Elaine. Sit down. Have you done something new with your hair?  
  
ELAINE  
  
No, sir.  
  
PETERMAN  
  
Must be a trick of the light. Tricky thing, light. I once thought I saw a fully grown grizzly bear in my bedroom, but it turned out to be a simple trick of the light.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What was it you wanted, sir?  
  
PETERMAN  
  
The urban ethnic dress, Elaine. I've bought a consignment from Africa.   
  
I want you to head up the sales division.  
  
PETERMAN SHOWS ELAINE THE URBAN ETHNIC DRESS.  
  
IT'S A GRASS SKIRT.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Sir, uh, that's a grass skirt.  
  
PETERMAN  
  
An urban ethnic dress, Elaine.  
  
ELAINE  
  
But basically it's a skirt made from grass.  
  
PETERMAN  
  
I knew I could count on you to cut straight to the crux of the matter.   
  
I want to see all the women in the city wearing these for the summer.  
  
If the trend catches on, we can go nationwide in the Fall.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Sir, I don't think ---  
  
PETERMAN  
  
Dismissed, Elaine.  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.  
  
JERRY HAS INVITED NEWMAN AND JUDY OVER. JERRY IS IN SHIRT AND BOXER SHORTS.   
  
NEWMAN IS STUFFING HIMSELF WITH PIZZA.  
  
JERRY  
  
Can't you use a napkin?  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Napkins? What are they?  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, here we are, hanging out together.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Speaking of hanging out, you gonna put some pants on?  
  
JERRY  
  
Mebbe later.  
  
KNOCK ON THE DOOR. JERRY OPENS IT.  
  
JUDY LOOKS AT JERRY'S BOXERS, THEN NOTICES NEWMAN.  
  
  
  
SHE JUMPS TO THE WRONG CONCLUSION - COUPLA GAY BOYS.  
  
JUDY  
  
Wow.  
  
JUDY EXITS  
  
JERRY  
  
No! Judy, wait! It's not what you think!  
  
NEWMAN  
  
You got any ketchup?  
  
JERRY  
  
Get out of my apartment.  
  
INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT.  
  
KRAMER HAS INSTALLED A CONFESSIONAL BOOTH.   
  
HE IS ONE SIDE OF THE GRILLE, BRAD, A BURLY CONSTRUCTION WORKER, IS ON THE OTHER.  
  
BRAD  
  
So what you're saying is I can drink, gamble and sleep around as much as I like and God won't punish me for it?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Won't lay a finger on you, buddy. Not in the Church of Kramerica.  
  
BRAD  
  
No penance, no Hail Mary's? No purgatory?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Nope.  
  
BRAD  
  
Even if I blow the kid's college fund in Atlantic City?  
  
KRAMER  
  
You're forgiven, brother.  
  
BRAD  
  
How do I join the Church of Kramerica?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Donations with Brother Costanza at the door. Dollars cash only. No cheques.  
  
INT. CORRIDOR BETWEEN JERRY'S AND KRAMER'S APARTMENTS.  
  
THERE IS A LONG LINE OF PEOPLE WAITING TO ENTER THE BOOTH.   
  
GEORGE, IN A BLACK ROBE, IS COUNTING A THICK WAD OF CASH.  
  
JERRY ARRIVES.  
  
JERRY  
  
George? What's going on? Who are all these people?  
  
GEORGE  
  
They're followers, Jerry. And I am no longer George.   
  
I am Brother Costanza, chief discipile of the Church of Kramerica.  
  
JERRY  
  
Kramer! I knew it.  
  
GEORGE  
  
That's Brother Kramer.  
  
JERRY  
  
Are you crazy?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I've never been saner, Jerry. All my life I've suppressed my deepest, darkest, vilest desires. Now they're flooding out of me every which way. The creed of the Church of Kramerica is : If it makes you feel good, do it - the hell with the consequences!  
  
JERRY  
  
That's some creed.  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's the best there is, my friend. I'm doing stuff I would never have dreamed of doing before. I'm ogling women now.  
  
JERRY  
  
You've always ogled women.  
  
GEORGE  
  
No, I used to take a peek then look away quickly in case they spotted me.   
  
Now I just stare right at them. I even complimented a woman on her breasts.  
  
JERRY  
  
What'd she do?  
  
GEORGE  
  
She slapped my face and called the cops.   
  
But the point is the old George wouldn't have said a word.  
  
JERRY  
  
I liked the old George.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well he's dead, Jerry. Brother Costanza buried him.  
  
KRAMER ARRIVES  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hey, buddy. How's the donations going?  
  
GEORGE  
  
500 bucks and rising, Brother Kramer.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Giddyup.  
  
JERRY  
  
You both realise this will end badly?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh ye of little faith. Join us, Jerry. Become part of the Church of Kramerica.  
  
JERRY  
  
No, thank you. I'd like to hang on to my sanity a little while longer.  
  
INT. MONK'S.  
  
JERRY IS ALONE AT A BOOTH.  
  
ELAINE ENTERS. SHE IS WEARING A GRASS SKIRT AND DOESN'T LOOK HAPPY ABOUT IT.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well well, if it isn't Sheena, Queen of the Jungle.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Very funny. I tell ya, this grass skirt is a nightmare.   
  
I've been all over 5th Avenue.   
  
Not a single store is interested in the Urban Ethnic Dress. It's a total bust.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, decaying foliage is a very passe look this season.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Plus I think the grass has still got some kinda African insects living in it.   
  
I'm itching like crazy in places a lady doesn't like to be seen scratching.  
  
JERRY  
  
So what are you going to do?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Burn it. Then get some balm for the rash.  
  
GEORGE ENTERS, STILL IN HIS ROBE.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Greetings, my children.  
  
ELAINE  
  
You're not still doing the religious nonsense?  
  
GEORGE  
  
It might be nonsense to you, Elaine. But to thousands the Church of Kramerica is the practicing religion of choice. We got so many members now we're thinking of relocating.  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm pleased to hear it. Perhaps I can get some sleep.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You've got a great butt, Elaine.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I said you have a nice, shapely butt.  
  
ELAINE  
  
George, are you looking for a smack in the mouth?  
  
JERRY  
  
It's the Church of Kramerica. He's lost all his social inhibitions.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jerry, your comedy routines are kinda stale.   
  
Write some new stuff, freshen it up a bit. I hope you don't mind me saying.  
  
JERRY  
  
I do mind you saying.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Brother Costanza, he does what he likes - the hell with the consequences.  
  
WAITRESS ARRIVES  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'd like the meatloaf, cheesecake and coffee - extra strong with cream and sugar.   
  
And you've got wonderful breasts.  
  
WAITRESS SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Bless you, my child.  
  
EXT. CENTRAL PARK, NYC.  
  
A GROUP OF PRIESTS SIT ON A BENCH. PROTESTANT, CATHOLIC, A BUDDHIST AND A RABBI.  
  
RABBI  
  
I trust we're all here for the same reason?  
  
PROTESTANT  
  
This blasted Church of Kramerica. It's got to be stopped.  
  
CATHOLIC  
  
It's run by a Cosmo Kramer. What kinda fruity name is Cosmo?  
  
BUDDHIST  
  
There are no names, only the one true and merciful God.  
  
RABBI  
  
Frankie, will ya cut the mumbo-jumbo, we're not a bunch of rubes.  
  
BUDDHIST  
  
Sorry, force of habit. I say we bust this guy's chops.  
  
PROTESTANT  
  
Something must be done. If people think they can do as they like   
  
and get away with it we're in big trouble.  
  
RABBI  
  
I say we send some boys round, lean on this Cosmo guy.  
  
CATHOLIC  
  
Why you all looking at me? I'm catholic so I must know some gangsters? Baloney.  
  
PROTESTANT  
  
Aren't they called wise guys?  
  
CATHOLIC  
  
You're the goddamn wiseguy.  
  
BUDDHIST  
  
We are all just prisoners here, of our own device.  
  
PROTESTANT  
  
Isn't that the lyric from 'Hotel California' by the Eagles?  
  
BUDDHIST  
  
Oh right, yeah. I got the CD in my Mercedes.  
  
RABBI  
  
A Buddhist drives a Mercedes? Oy oy oy, all I got's a lousy Buick.  
  
CATHOLIC  
  
We don't need violence. I checked. This Church of Kramerica isn't licenced.  
  
PROTESTANT  
  
You need a licence to worship God?  
  
CATHOLIC  
  
Sure. Even the Moonies know that. We got him dead to rights.  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.  
  
ELAINE ENTERS. SHE'S PROPERLY DRESSED, SMOKIN A BIG CIGAR.   
  
SHE LOOKS VERY PLEASED WITH HERSELF.  
  
JERRY  
  
What happened to you?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Remember I said I was gonna burn that grass skirt?  
  
JERRY  
  
Uh huh. Kill the bugs.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Turns out the urban ethnic dress is made from cannabis plants.  
  
JERRY  
  
Pot? The grass skirt really is grass.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Ironic, huh? Here's the best bit. Peterman promoted me. I saved his ass.  
  
He could've gone to jail for drug smuggling. I'm the new senior vice president.  
  
JERRY  
  
Hence the cigar.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I love my stogie.  
  
JERRY  
  
I got some good news too. Judy and I sorted our differences out.   
  
I explained things and we're gonna meet up tonight.  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.  
  
JERRY AND JUDY ARE ON THE COUCH, GETTING HOT AND HEAVY.  
  
JUDY  
  
I'm glad we worked things out, Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
  
Me too.  
  
SMOOCH  
  
JUDY  
  
I was attracted to you the first time I saw you.  
  
JERRY  
  
And me you. You remind me of Lana Lang.  
  
JUDY  
  
I've no idea who Lana Lang is, but she sounds hot.  
  
JERRY  
  
Superman thought so.  
  
THEY KISS AND TUG AT EACH OTHERS CLOTHES.  
  
SOUND OF COMMOTION OUTSIDE THE DOOR.  
  
JUDY  
  
What's that noise?  
  
JERRY  
  
Ignore it.  
  
JUDY  
  
Jerry...  
  
JERRY  
  
Alright, alright.  
  
JERRY OPENS THE DOOR.  
  
KRAMER AND GEORGE ARE BEING DRAGGED AWAY BY THE POLICE.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Jerry! They're shutting down the Church of Kramerica!  
  
JERRY  
  
That's a shame.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jerry, you gotta help us! We're being arrested for worshipping without a licence!  
  
JERRY  
  
Sorry, George, But you know what they say - I'll do what I want, and the hell with the consequences.  
  
GEORGE  
  
No-oo-oo-oo!  
  
KRAMER AND GEORGE ARE TAKEN AWAY.  
  
****THE END****  
  
Enjoy the script? Why not let me know at pjazzer2000@yahoo.co.uk  
  
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*** 


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